Volume 36, Issue 4, April 2001

theBUSINESS

OH BABY!!!
by Lyle R. Hill

"Say HILL, how are things going?" asked the early morning caller.

"Wow, it must be my lucky day…a call from 'Jungle Jim Bruney' himself," I replied. 
"You're right about that, HILL…the being lucky part. I always said I was the one with all the talent but you were the one with all the luck." 

"What can I do for you Bruney?" I asked, not wanting to get into a debate with my old friend from Chicago's West Side about things as mundane as talent and luck.

"Well, HILL, you know that I am a bit of an art critic as well as a lover of all things beautiful."

I know this to be true. Few people on the face of the earth have as discerning an eye for beauty and grace as 'Jungle Jim Bruney.' And fewer still who have mastered the use of both the camera and the pallet to the degree to which he has mastered them.

"And HILL," he continued, "I was so amazed at what I found in the March issue of USGlass that I just had to call and talk to you about it."

"OK, Jungle Jim," I responded while not knowing where the erstwhile artist was taking me. "Tell me your tale."

"Well, HILL, as usual I began reading the magazine from back to front. And there on page 68 was a picture of one of the most beautiful babies I had ever seen. The little one's name was Zachary Chance Perilstein and he was adorable. Then, I continued on in my back to front manner and on pages 44 and 45 I discovered this really unusual kind of 'art deco' metallic coated blue baby. I'd never seen anything like it, HILL."

"Yeah, I know the one…but where are you going with this, Bruney?"

"OK, HILL, so I continue flipping the pages and on page 6 there's yet another baby. This one's name is Isabella Taffera. Personally, I would have gone with a name like Taffy, or Tammy or something, but it doesn't really matter what they named this baby…she’s still the most beautiful baby I think I've ever seen." 

"I'm lost, Bruney. What's your point in all of this?"

"Well HILL, I cut out the pictures of the Perilstein baby, the metallic baby, and the Taffera baby and mailed them to Karnack Demirdjian."

"Bruney…who or what is Karnack Demirdjian?"

"He's the world's leading authority on beautiful babies, HILL, and he has cataloged and ranked them for the past 35 years. After he received the pictures, he called to tell me that the Taffera and Perilstein babies will probably rank in the top 10 percent for babies born in the past year and that the metallic baby will likewise rank very high in the unusual or novel baby category."

"Well Bruney, I hate to burst your artistic bubble, but this whole thing makes me sick! Surely you must know that Taffera is the magazine's editor, Perilstein's a columnist, and the blue baby was a paid ad.

Taffera and Perilstein took advantage of their positions to get their kids in the magazine and the metal guys paid big bucks for theirs. You see…it all comes down to who you know or what you'll pay to get what you want. It's disgusting…absolutely disgusting. But as long as you've gone this far, tell me what else this Demirdjian character had to say."

"Gee HILL, I didn't mean to upset you, and I really didn't even think about the Taffera and Perilstein connection. I mean, I do see your point HILL, but you gotta admit their kids are cute. But as for Demirdjian, he did in fact tell me, and even sent me a picture, of a baby born just over seven months ago by the name of Sydney Marie who ranked number one in the world for beautiful babies born in the past year. The parent's names were Renee and Patrick. I'll send you the picture for the magazine, HILL."

"Well that's more like it, Bruney, because I think the magazine's readers have a right to know the truth…particularly in light of the self-indulgent, egtistical, vane behavior that has been exhibited so far by shall we say…certain well placed individuals."

"Yeah, you're right, HILL, they took advantage of their positions, HILL, and someone needed to put them in their place. You've done it again, HILL."

"Thanks…by the way, Bruney, did you happen to catch the last name of this beautiful, magnificent, dazzling, graceful, delicate and perfectly formed creature by the name of Sydney Marie?"

"No HILL, I didn't. But I'll call back and find out, HILL. And you're right, HILL, I'm sure the magazine's readers will want to know. Besides, it's the least I can do for you……HILL."