Explore This!!!

By Lyle R. Hill

It has come to my attention that my beloved United States of America has come unglued and fallen off the tracks. Okay … stay with me here. A country can’t really come physically unglued and it doesn’t run on actual tracks either so it can’t really fall off of them. Statements like that are called hyperbole, I think. They’re a kind of inaccurate exaggerations of something that can’t be true or real from a literal standpoint. Now, assuming you are still with me, let’s get back to the point. So where was I? Oh yes, the USA has fallen off the track and I am greatly troubled by this.

How, you may ask, do I know it has fallen off the tracks? Well, because about four months ago I got a TV in my home office and connected it to the cable system therein. So now, I have become addicted. I spend a lot of time in my home office and although I never was a TV watcher before, now I am watching everything from “Leave It to Beaver” in the morning to “Police Women of Dallas” in the evening and I can’t fall asleep at night without “Perry Mason” reruns. I have also now been introduced to “reality TV” and I have become frightened for myself and our country. Did you know that people are being murdered regularly in Colorado Springs? It’s true. There is this program about a detective named Joe Kenda who works full time with some other detectives to track down all these murderers in Colorado Springs and the stories are real! I always thought Colorado Springs was this really beautiful, peaceful place to live. I almost moved there once, but now I’m glad I didn’t. And have you seen these caravans of people coming to our southern border?

All day long, I watch TV and it’s nothing but bad news, chaos and confusion.
And now, on top of all of that, comes the presidential campaign stuff and the
candidates are almost as scary as what’s been happening in Colorado Springs. So reluctantly, because I really do care about the good old U.S. of A, I have decided to get involved and start my very own Exploratory Program to see if I should run for president. I got the idea for this from some lady from Massachusetts, and after she did this exploratory thing, by canoe maybe, she decided to run for president. She has, apparently, raised a lot of money in the process. In fact, she has raised so much money that she says she will not take any more money from rich people. This doesn’t make sense. If the rich people want to give you money wouldn’t that be better than taking money from poor people?

As you probably know, and I do, too, now that I have TV at my disposal, there’s a whole bunch of scary people who want to be President. I saw where several of them have done this exploratory thing where they raise a lot of money, form a committee and then go out and ask people if they would be willing to support them with even more money if they make a run for office. So I have decided to do this, too. And just to clarify, I am herein
publicly declaring myself as a conservatively progressive moderate with liberal views of what I will allow to be watched on my new home office TV.

And what, you may wonder, does this have to do with you? Well I’ll tell you. I WANT YOU for my Exploratory Committee and all you have to do is send money (cash only, of course) to me and you will be added to my Exploratory Committee. Then you can ask all your friends and co-workers if they would vote for me. If they say yes, you add them to the committee, take their money, mail 75 percent of it to me and keep the rest for yourself. It’s
my initial “Share and Redistribute the Wealth” program. It’s going to be one of the planks of my “RUTS” program. And what does “RUTS” stand for you ask … and gee do you ever ask a lot of questions. Well it stands for “Return USA To Sanity.” I really think we have lost what little sanity we had left after these past couple of election cycles. I believe I alone can fix it. If I do decide to run, after the exploratory, you can send me even more money. If
you send enough and I actually do get elected, I will herein promise you an ambassadorship to a country of your choosing with the exception of Ireland,
which would be auctioned off to the highest bidder. So come on people, we
can do this. Send me $50 and I’ll send you an official “RUTS” hat and a box of my granddaughter Jillian’s Girl Scout Cookies; $100 will get you an autographed hat. And last but not least, the first person who sends me $1,000 can have my home office TV. I really can’t stand to watch it anymore.

Lyle R. Hill is the managing director of Keytech North America, a company providing research and technical services for the glass and metal industry. He also serves as president of Glass.com, an information portal and job generation company for the glass industry. Hill has more than 40 years’ experience in the glass and metal industry and can be reached at lhill@glass.com.

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